You and your spouse have made efforts to resolve all issues in your case, but you just haven’t been able to reach an agreement yet. Hoping to avoid the emotional and financial cost of a trial, you have agreed to participate in mediation with a retired judge. Here are 8 tips from CGG’s attorneys on how to make the most of judicial mediation and end the day with a signed Agreement:
Prepare in Advance
There is quite a bit of work that can and should be done before the morning of mediation.
- We have found that one of the most helpful exercises is to prepare a “narrative.” A narrative is a statement that you can read to (or give) the judge during the initial breakout session. You can use this opportunity to tell the judge a little bit about yourself, your background, your marriage, the children, your assets, your priorities, etc.
- If the mediation is centered around financial issues, be sure that all assets have been disclosed and that balances have been updated.
- Some clients find it helpful to see, in advance, the room that they will occupy during the day of mediation. Others benefit from role play exercises with others acting as the opposing counsel and the judge. Don’t be afraid to ask your lawyer for this type of preparation.
- Make sure you share all issues and concerns with your lawyer before mediation. Bringing up new issues towards the end of a mediation can throw a monkey wrench in the process.
Rest Up!
Mediation with a judge can make for a long day. Getting plenty of rest the night before is easier when advanced preparations have been done, thus helping to keep the anxiety in check. Go easy on yourself the night before. Treat yourself to a massage, your favorite dinner (but don’t overindulge in alcohol) or go to a movie.
Come Prepared.
There will be plenty of “downtime” during mediation, such as when the judge is meeting with the other side. Bring a book or a laptop. Traditionally, the lawyer who “hosts” the mediation will provide lunch but pack your own snacks and bottled water in case you get hungry and/or thirsty during the day.
Don’t Get Stuck on Specific Issues.
These issues are usually less important in terms of the overall agreement, but they may seem very important to you at the time. This is very common. Rely on your lawyer to tell you when you get to that point and listen to your lawyer’s advice on how to handle the issue.
Be Patient and Open-Minded.
Remember that it’s not about “winning” or “losing,” but rather having some control over the outcome of your situation with a negotiated settlement. Most judges will start the day by discouraging participants from trying to convince the other side that they are right and that their opponent is “wrong.” Instead, think about your priorities and keep an open mind about your opponent’s priorities. Be creative, as oftentimes there are ways for the priorities of both sides to be harmonized. To the extent that you and your opponent disagree about something, ask your lawyer to argue your opponent’s position to you, so you can understand where they are coming from. Once you understand what is driving their position, see if you can come up with a solution to the problem instead of insisting on your position or “no deal.”
Don’t Give Up.
Inevitably, there comes a time during a mediation session when it seems like a settlement is unlikely. While mediation is voluntary and no one can “make” you stay, most clients find that digging deep and finding the resolve to push through the hurdles results in breakthroughs.
Don’t Succumb to the Opinions of Others or “Buyer’s Remorse”.
While you may be tempted to call your best friend or a family member during the mediation to vent, oftentimes involving others who are not tasked with making the decisions can do more harm than good. Instead, rely on your lawyer’s advice when trying to make decisions that will be best for you and your family. It is not uncommon to wake up the day after mediation and wish that you had “pushed for more” or “not given in” on specific issues. Remind yourself that the only “won case” is a “settled case,” and pat yourself on the back for compromising and reaching a resolution.
Didn’t Settle?
As successful as mediations with judges are, the reality is that not every single case settles during the session. Don’t give up. Use the momentum of progress from the day of mediation to carry forward continued discussions and creative thinking about settlement options. Many cases that didn’t settle the day of mediation, were resolved soon thereafter with continued efforts.
Best Divorce Mediators in Fairfax, Virginia
If you have questions about the potential of mediating with a judge, contact the attorneys at Cooper Ginsberg Gray for more information. CGG’s divorce coach, Dr. Leah Nathan, is instrumental in assisting clients with the creation of their narrative and finding the strength to advocate for themselves and compromise for their best next chapter.