Divorce isn’t only a legal proceeding; it’s also a nerve-racking emotional experience often plagued with anxiety, fear, and uncertainty. When your brain feels like it doesn’t have enough information to make a prediction about the divorce, it starts making up stories—usually unpleasant ones, like these:
“I’m too old to start over.”
“I’m going to be financially ruined and can’t recover from this.”
“I don’t know what my life post-divorce is going to look like.”
The fear of the unknown is fertile ground for anxiety, as your mind grapples with countless outcomes. It leads to racing thoughts, sleepless nights, headaches, and persistent worry. You’re frequently wondering, “When will this end?” Because divorce can be a lengthy process, your body is in a prolonged state of stress.
Common Fear-Based Reactions to Divorce
Right now, you’re probably in survival mode and experiencing many (if not all) of the following:
- Fear of the unknown. Divorce is filled with the unknown. Not knowing how your spouse is going to negotiate, what life will look like post-divorce, where will you live, how will you support yourself and your kids, or how you will shake the feeling of loneliness. This is what makes divorce anxiety a reality.
- Loss of identity. Many individuals struggle with a sense of lost identity or purpose post-divorce, questioning who they are outside of the marriage. They have identified as a married couple for years and the transition to single life is different from that which was previously familiar.
- Fear of judgment/shame. Concerns about being judged by family, friends, and society can exacerbate feelings of isolation and anxiety. Many clients have shared that they feel ashamed of this major life change which is requiring them to start over while battling a sense of failure.
- Fear of the legal process. Not knowing what the outcome will be or when it will be resolved can inevitably lead to increased anxiety.
- Fear of how a narcissistic or borderline partner might retaliate. Spouses of partners with narcissistic traits constantly find themselves waiting for the next shoe to drop in the divorce process. Will their wrath erupt in their legal strategy? Will they try to gain financial advantage? This unique type of stressor can affect a spouse’s ability to make sound decisions in the divorce case.
Coping Strategies for Divorce Anxiety
Here are some tips for shielding yourself from divorce anxiety:
- Calm your body first! Anxiety is nervous system based; it literally manifests in your body. Embrace the power of a pause. Stop and try to connect with something that appeals to any of your senses e.g., the smell of an aromatherapy candle, the texture of a blanket, the sound of a soothing song, etc. As you pause and embrace this moment, pay attention to how the anxiety feels within your body and allow it to pass through. Eventually, you will find the anxiety-reducing as you embrace this pause.
- Your Safe Place/Happy Place: Being able to immediately shift to Your Safe Place/Happy Place is a grounding technique designed to help you transition into a state of calmness. Safe Place is a strategy from EMDR therapy. This can help shift clients suffering through anxiety-provoking/distressing memories to a more pleasant experience. Although this strategy is best applied by a trained clinician, for the purposes of this blog: (a) think back to a happy memory, (b) focus on how it appeals to your senses, and (c) capture this image in your mind. This is now your go-to mental escape to calm yourself when things become stressful. Take a few minutes to reflect on this whenever you feel anxious. You’ll be surprised how much it can alleviate your anxiety.
- Befriend Your Fears: Your fears can be the inner guide that is preparing you for all possible outcomes. When you find yourself overthinking, befriend your fears by reminding yourself that you are thinking about all of those “what if” scenarios and will be prepared for the next step.
- Cognitive Reframing: If I could sum this strategy up in a phrase, it would be something like this, “When we change how we look at things, the things we look at will change.” By way of example, read this:
Today was the absolute worst day ever
And don’t try to convince me that
There’s something good in everyday
(now read from the bottom upwards)
This simple exercise demonstrates that a negative thought can be transformed into a positive one. Think of ways to reframe your divorce experience. For example: I’m learning valuable lessons or I know now that I’ll never again put up with ___.”
- Try not to live in the past. It’s tempting to think of all the “woulda, coulda, shoulda” situations. When our present is uncomfortable, our minds will want to escape to the past. And if you’re going through a divorce that you didn’t want, you’ll be especially vulnerable to dwelling on your past. This can, however, create feelings of self-blame and it doesn’t change what is happening in the “now.” Instead, stay present and future-focused. Ask yourself these 2 questions: “What do I need in this moment to get through this?” and “How do I want to look and feel another 3 years from now?” Having something to look forward to can help provide a mental shift as you move towards your future self.
- Develop an Action Plan: Writing is often an effective way to manage your anxiety. This is why I have created mediation and co-parenting plan worksheets. When you write things down, you can create a clearer picture of action steps so you don’t feel as stuck with your anxiety.
- Go-To Affirmations: Choose one (or several) affirmations that you can use during the divorce. Have them readily available and refer to them as your go-to affirmations. It could be something like this:
- “I can create my own comeback story.”
- “My worth is not determined by this moment or this marriage.”
- “This anxious feeling is temporary and will pass.”
- EFT Tapping: Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), also known as “tapping,” is a method that some individuals have found helpful in managing their emotions. During EFT, individuals tap certain points on their body – like the points used during acupuncture. Here’s a link to a 10-minute routine: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QLNyOVjjtM
- In-Vivo Exposure: In-vivo exposure is a psychological term used to describe directly facing a feared object, situation or activity in real life. So, practice, practice, practice!! For example, if you are in the midst of litigation with a trial date approaching, ask your attorney for a list of questions that you might be asked. Some clients report feeling more confident in court after having practiced being cross-examined during trial preparations with their legal team. The more you can practice in real life, the better equipped you’ll feel.
- Videos, Meditations, Apps & Books: There are tons of free resources on YouTube, from calming water sounds like this to guided meditations such as:
Self Love After Divorce click here
Lisa Romano – guided meditation, divorcing a narcissist click here
Caroline Strawson – Healing Divorce Wounds click here
Also, an App that emerges as a solid option from a sea of thousands of choices is the Calm app. It offers a variety of relaxing sounds, guided meditations, and stories.
Reading and listening to audiobooks can be a game changer as well. Some recommendations include Dare by Barry McDonagh, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessell Van Der Kolk, and Unwinding Anxiety by Judson Brewer.
If you’ve tried all these strategies and think that you might need an anti-anxiety medication, please consult with your primary care provider/psychiatrist for more information on how this can help you. Many of my clients have shared that they rely on prescribed medications temporarily to get through the divorce process and then wean themselves off as they adjust to post-divorce life.
Remember, divorce is not a permanent situation. It’s a transition. The anxious feelings won’t last forever. You can take action and soon, you’ll be in a different place. You can and will get through this.
Dr. Leah Nathan is a Licensed Psychologist/Divorce Coach on staff at Cooper Ginsberg Gray. Divorce coaching is a service offered exclusively to the firm’s clients. It includes 1:1 coaching, a weekly support group, and complimentary webinars. If you’re a client of the firm or strongly considering retaining the firm, please contact lnathan@cgglawyers.com to find out more. Please note, that this service is not offered to clients who are represented by an attorney outside of the firm.