By Dr. Leah L. Nathan, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical-Forensic Psychologist and Divorce Coach
Author’s Note: This article was inspired by discussions and reflections shared during the weekly Divorce Support Group at Cooper Ginsberg Gray. The examples illustrate common experiences of emotional disconnection in marriage. Identifying details have been changed or combined to protect confidentiality.
Her husband worked long hours, often consumed by the demands of his career. Over time, she noticed subtle changes. He used to call her every day from work, sometimes just to check in or hear her voice. Gradually, those calls became less frequent until they stopped altogether. There was no dramatic confrontation, no defining moment. Just a quiet drift.
Then came the holidays. They took a family vacation with their children, as they had done before. There were no explosive arguments, no obvious signs that their marriage was on the verge of ending. Life continued as usual, although there was some distance between them.
Shortly after returning from vacation, he sat her down and delivered the news.
He wanted a divorce. He was moving out.
She was blindsided.
How could someone go on a family vacation and then suddenly announce that the marriage was over? Had he been unhappy all along? Were those missed phone calls signs she hadn’t fully recognized? Had he already begun saying goodbye without ever speaking the words?
For her, the marriage ended that day. For him, it may have ended months, perhaps even years, earlier.
What happens when one spouse has already left the marriage emotionally, but the other doesn’t know it yet?
This is one of the painful realities of what’s being called quiet quitting in marriage, sometimes referred to as quiet divorce. It’s when one or both spouses gradually check out of the relationship emotionally, even though they’re still legally married.
